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Going to work is so bad these days that every morning I contemplate doing something insanely stupid just to get out of it. On the plus side I haven't and that's a triumph in itself.

Work aside life is pretty good. I'll cling to the hope of a better tomorrow and try to stay right side up.
 
 
 
 
 
 
1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Some bootleg cheerios.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
In the Wexford Street Palais with that Sarah girl sometime around 2005. There was alot of absynth involved.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
I've played it once. I think I rocked it, but I'd rather be a bassoon hero.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?.
I havent laughed yet. I wish I had done. Currently full of pent up angst at my manager.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Ear4ly night last night as I was still knackered from the weekends shenanigans.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Partner permitting. There are Berlin plans.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Quite possibly but I don't recall any specifics.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Noone lives close to Dartford. I suppose Ayana and Cat are the nearest.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends?
Of course. When you've shared so much it's such a shame to lose it all.

10. How do you feel about Dr.Pepper?
Ambivolent.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
I cried 4 minutes ago, but it was the soft tears of desperation and madness. I cant remember my last proper sobbing fit.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Sarah.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
James Zabiela

14. Was yesterday better than today?
So far the only difference is that today I'm awake.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
Obviously.

16. Are you upset about anything?
Quite.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes. What is lfie without connection? People are so very fascinating.

18. Are you a bad influence?
I don't think so, but my mother-in-law to be certainly does.

19. Night out or night in?
Probably a night-in. I hate crowds.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Nothing I think.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My Grandad. RIP Tosh.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
Bobble!  Will be home after I collect the mannequin.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Kind of desperate, very loved.

24. Do you hate anyone?
Too lazy to hate. Dislike on the other hand...

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
Invites to Psytrance parties and messages from dear friends who have forgotten how to operate a phone.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
No.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
If it's followed by "idiot", does it still count?

28. What song is stuck in your head?
The Verve - Love is Noise.

29. Someone knocks on your door at 2:00am, who do you want it to be?
I dont want noone knocing on my door at 2 a.m

30. Wanna have grandkids by the time you're 50?
I dont honestly care, though it seems unlikely.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow
Go to work, try not to go mad.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
I think so much that the noise seems to consume my patience. I dont think about anything important. I'm far too dim.

33. Do you smile a lot?
No, as was cruelly pointed out to me in August. I have a naturally down-turned mouth. Gaz makes me smile an awul lot.
 
 
 
 
 
 
You'll find you're curious; but of course it would be folly to look into the abyss. Even a small peek would drive you mad. Send you freefalling into the bleak pit of darkness which 'till know you thought originated in your stomach on long sleepless nights. How odd on reflection, that the solar plexus would suck the light out of you....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Bouncing thoughts off oneself is not very productive, is it? I'm going mad about irrelevancy. Suckered by my own punchline.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am talking to my sister Jacqui whom I have not seen in 15 years, on Faecesbook.

Even through the virtuality of Cyberia talking to her fills me with such happiness that even the rain collapsing on the dull, grey, concrete world outside my office, seems beautiful.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Do you believe in UFOs? Do you have a gut dis/belief or do you rely on empirical proof?






I've seen odd things with my own eyes and they were certainly not identifiable by me or any of my respective companions at the time. The oddest of these was last Summer solstice, while celebrating the sun and the turn of seasons, at Avebury in Wiltshire. The object in question seemed to emit light from all around it, like a tiny star, only it was flying through a field. The movements were very sharp and sudden. My partner and I looked on, curious, but then it started coming towards us and I freaked out a bit and ran back to the crest of the hill. When we turned back around, it was gone. The next morning there was a new crop circle in a field nearby. Not uncommon in Wiltshire. I'm not saying that what I saw was related, but it was definitely an object which was unidentified & flying.

Aged eight, I was terrified by the idea of aliens, as they were depicted. Tall and odd-shaped bug-eyed creatures who looked so unkind. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of abduction. Looking back it seems so silly and the only reason I can think of for it, was a "news" program in the 80's which showed a a so-called alien captured on film, walking through a forest. Not unlike the bigfoot scams. Alas, I was too young to know any better and so at night I slept with my head under the duvet covers, hidden and afraid. Though to be fair, I also thought the local witch was going to come after me too. Mentalist.

When I was in secondary school, I used to get bullied for alot of reasons. The funniest reason, in retrospect, was being pushed around and jeered because of my tendency to write fantasy and alien-themed essays in English class. The teacher liked my work and regularly read my stories out to the class as an example of good material. I suspect it was more to do with the imagination involved than my literary flair. Anyway, I grew up on a diet of Star Trek and Roswell and spent more time alienated by my peers than with them, so it was pretty natural that my mind would furtively imagine other worlds. Better worlds, where I might even fit in. Not treated like a complete freak. Maybe even liked.

When I was 16, my favourite song was Savage Garden's 'To the Moon and Back'. I still don't care how uncool that is. The lines "Mama never loved her much and Daddy never keeps in touch" had particular resonance in my fragile and pubescent mind. The song refers to being unable to connect with people and I still feel like that fairly frequently today. Stumbling and awkard. I didn't believe I was an alien, but I could imagine too easily what being one might feel like.

I think Stephen Hawking's opinion that meeting aliens would be the worst thing we could do is very intersting. He theorised that all aliens will want with Earth, is to mine it's resources and colonise ala Columbus and the Americas.  I think he might have been watching too much Doctor Who.  Much with animals, I don't think it's wise to judge another species by human traits. Humans are bizarrely advanced in technology for a species who are yet still so often emotionally, morally and even mentally bereft.

So in answer, I don't know whether aliens exist, but I do believe there are too many stars and planets out there, for it to be considered unlikely. I'm curious to know but can live happily without ever finding out. I'd be warning the aliens about the human race though. I think we're more of a danger to ourselves and others than any other threat.
 
 
 
 
 
 



'I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan a day'. - Agnes
Sina-Inakoju 1994 - 2010.

The girl who wrote that was 16 when she died. When she was shot through the neck. Killed for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Two nights ago in fact;  the same night I threw myself to the ground, another victim of wrong place wrong time, while these scum took poorly-aimed shots at each other mere feet away. 

She went to a take-away and she fell amongst the grease and shattered glass. Amongst the screams. Her friends held her and cried as she bled all over the floor while two fucking cunts on bikes cycled away. Are they satisfied now? How can you murder someone and not then turn that gun on your own heartless face? 

"Imagine a world without racism, a place where everyone is equal. We are all beautiful, we are all talented and we all have a future. We share a world together. Let's start living it."


How many lives must they steal? Tear cruelly and without a single thought from this world. From the bosom of her family and friends. Agnes had a life. She was only a young thing and she had her head screwed on better than so many twice her age. She saw it all for what it was and she wanted a better world. She was prepared to fight for a better world but they, the ones who live and take so viciously, they will fight for what? For fucking kudos from their peers who hide their sick rotting faces behind scarves.. It's not fucking QUASAR. It's life. It's real. How can you take someone's life from them and not even look back?!

I always believed that if you kept your nose clean, if you kept out of it then you could walk relatively safe. Head held high. Now I know the truth. They won't come after you, but they won't avoid you either. And if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time then you better be lucky. Because it's that indescriminate. It's that simple. There is nothing you can do in that moment other than get down and hope to survive. Agnes didn't have a chance. They shot through the window these youths on bicycles. She couldn't have even known it was coming. Two simple little bullets and an entire world destroyed.

And what can we do? We have to fight. Not with guns but with words and hearts and all of our might. Pick it up where she left off. Try and remain as tolerant and open minded as ever, while fighting the scum who just don't care about anything. Do it for her. Do it for us. Do it for everyone who has suffered and to those who one day will.

Please. No more apathy. No more 'It's not my problem". This isn't another world.  Every inch of this planet will affect you. And every person in it. Call it the butterfly effect or whatever gets you to understand that the news, the things you see on tv, volcanoes in Iceland, bombs in Bahgdad; They are REAL. They are happening to someone. Someone who thinks and feels just liek you do. And if you won't do it for them or for the all encompassing 'us', then do it for yourself because you could be in the wrong place at the wrong time one day too. 

R.I.PAgnes Sina-Inakoju. May your soul be free and your legacy great.


 

 
 
 
 
 
 
What do you expect to be doing ten years from today, and where do you hope to be living?




Ten years from now, it will be a Monday. I sincerely hope it won't be a typical bleary-eyed 'Why me?' woeful, office Monday morning.

In ten years time I hope to be self-sufficient, living in the countryside with my lovely Cloudboy in our own little house of dreams. There'll be a  studio in the garden where we can create magical sounds and a little attic with roof-window where I can write. We'll grow our own veg, keep our own chickens and drive some form of eco-friendly transport(how improbable this development, I know not). But we'll walk most places, if possible. We'll have a cat, at least and be very content to be one united Bobbly mass of love.

Ten years from now, we'll all be scratching our heads wondering where all the time went. Remembering wryly, the panic and fear of the millenium and 2012. Hopefully no true evil will come to pass. But there'll be more conspiracies and more dates of doom. There'll be bad and there'll be good. Crisis and corruption. But we'll still be trying our best to make a difference, trying to make our voices heard and fighting for the voices not yet dreamed of. We'll fall in love again and again and again and we'll cherish every single moment.

In many ways we'll be just as we are now.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don't post here enough. This may change and it may not. All you really need to know right now is that an incredibly tall man has come into my place of work. And his name is Will Moon.
 
 
 
 
 
 
It has just occurred to me that I may have seen Neil Codling at Glastonbury. One thing which is certain is that I saw a man named Neil Codling playing with Arthus Jeffes, son of Simon Jeffes. They were playing music from the Penguina Cafe Orchestra. Under the name Music From the Penguin Cafe Orchestra actually. It was very good, though I spent the entire set lying on the ground battling off sleep and getting in the way of folk. Funny old world.